I stole this from cassigail so please forgive me, but I thought it wass cute and I am all about getting to know people better this holiday season.

[ ] I am shorter than 5'4".
[X] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] have many scars.
[X] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[X] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[X] I have a tattoo.
[X] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I had braces.
[X] I wear glasses.
[X ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[X] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[X] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[X] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[X] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[X] I want to have kids someday.
[X] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[X] Disney movies still make me cry.
[X ] I've peed from laughing.
[X] I've snorted while laughing.
[X] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[X] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[X] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I'm single.
[X] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ X] I'm married.
[X ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[X] I miss someone right now.
[X] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ X] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[X] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[X] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[X] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ X] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ X] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[X] I am a cuddler.
[ X] I've been kissed in the rain.
[X] I've hugged a stranger.
[X] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[X] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[X] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[X] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[X] I've cheated while playing a game.
[X] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[X] I've consumed alcohol.
[ X] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[X ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[X] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[X ] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[X] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I *have* anorexic or bulimic *tendencies* or have EDNOS*tendencies*.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[X ] I've woken up crying.

A friend of mine, innocent_man, posted something this morning that really got me thinking. He was talking about driving around town in the wee hours of the morning. His words are probably much more poetic than mine will ever be, but it got me thinking about the times where I use to do the same thing.

I didn't always live in Ohio and I didn't always work a 9-5 job. I wasn't always tied down to the family life I have grown used to. I often found myself cruising the streets of both Detroit, MI and Louisville, KY at the wee hours of the morning lost in thought. I would either be coming from or going to work or just out for a drive. Those were the times that I could clear my head. Get my life back together. Put the chaos on my head back in it's place. Back then I wasn't on medication for my bi-polar or my depression. I wasn't drinking to dull the pain. I had my fair share of problems - abusive relationships, failing this class or that class, no money to pay bills. It was those late night/early morning drives that put me back right with the world.

So it is now that I wonder why I don't go on those rides more often. What makes me stay at home instead of grabbing the keys and roaming the streets? Is it the child I worry that I don't spend enough time with? The husband that loves me so much? I also wonder if maybe part of the reason why I can't sort the craziness out is because I don't take those rides. I don't take enough time away. That I am trying to hard to be what every one else wants me to be. What every one needs me to be. That I forgot how to be who I need to be.

Maybe tonight I'll take one of those rides...

Please bare with me as this could get lengthy...

It is no secret that my husband and I have gone through our share of troubles lately. We have discussed options such as an open marriage, a separation, divorce and even tried an open marriage for a brief period of time. I have been through my own share of issues having been diagnosed with bipolar over the summer and dealing with medication change after medication change. Still months later things still aren't great or even good. Both my husband and I are just making due. Depression has basically ruled our household and the only time the other one seems to be somewhat happy is when they are out with someone else.

There is the background story. So last night I was rather down in the dumps after a rather lengthy therapy session which sounded a lot like the past year's worth of therapy which basically amounted to shit or get off the pot. So I came home depressed and had to explain to my husband why. By the end of the night we were talking rationally about it. This topic is usually met with a lot of fighting, yelling and screaming. Last night was very rational and I ended up falling asleep wrapped in his arms crying. Normally, it would have ended with each of us on our respective sides of the bed as far away as possible.

So how does this relate to a missing person? This morning I remembered a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. He was telling me I hadn't been good for a long time and it started before I married my husband. It started when my best friend was killed and I haven't been the same since. That was when I realized I have been trying to replace that friend for the past six years with every man who has been in my life. No one can. No one ever will. So I shared this revelation with my husband and all I could say was that he knew, he always knew. He told me he loved me. He hugged me and let me cry.

So I have been broken for the last six years. I have been trying to fill a hole that will never be filled and I don't know how to move on from that point. So is the missing person my friend who passed away over six years ago or is it me?

The problem with wearing pantyhose is you can't tell that your shirt has ridden up/pants are riding a little low and you are now flashing your entire office your pantyhose.


Just a little something to make you laugh at my expense on this Friday morning/afternoon.  

...had someone touch your life so profoundly you didn't know how your life would be without them?

( Read more... )

Today I realized just how much of a nerd I use to be and how much of a nerd I still am. For the person who was with me when I had my nerd outburst... thank you for joining me. I don't feel so alone.

Today while talking to a friend online we quoted a line from Labrynth. Not so bad. What is bad is I started singing and dancing in my cubicle to the "Magic Dance" song and knew all the words.

It gets worse... I then remembered I have a VCR tape somewhere with that movie, Secret of Nimh and Dark Crystal on it. I really should find it. Then I could watch it on my ancient VCR. I miss that VCR tape.  

This past week has been a rough one. My little one has been down with pneumonia and has been quite the "crank ass" as I call him. My husband and I have been through many sleepless nights and have been at our wits end. Two year-olds and sickness never go well together. But then something caught my attention this morning on FB. One of my friend updates told me how she was going to pick out a head stone for her little girl. I stopped. Did I read that right? This was someone I worked with years ago and had not kept up with. I didn't know she was pregnant. I didn't know that the baby girl she had given birth to passed away later that day.

Now as I sit here I can't even begin to imagine going through that as a mother. No one should have to go through that. My heart goes out to her and her family but all this has made me realize that the little things like dealing with a sick kid aren't so bad. I can deal with the sleepless nights. The temper tantrums from him not feeling well. The "crank ass". 

Don't sweat the small stuff. Enjoy life to the fullest. Appreciate what you have. 

It has been awhile since I really posted and I am usually complaining about something. Things in my life are much better and I am starting to pull myself together, so I thought I would take a moment and post something a little light hearted, maybe poke a little fun at myself, and give you a little insight to who I am. So sit back, relax, and have a good laugh.

 So here are some interesting tidbits about me. 

1) Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude is one of my favorite games of all times. 
2) Project Gotham 2 is one of the best racing games of all time just for the fact you could play crash the Cooper. Though if you play it too many times you start to want to play it in real life. Dangerous if you drive a Dodge Durango and any compact car will do. 
3) Racing games are also my favorite to play. I can play them for hours. Need for Speed: Underground 2 and Most Wanted are also favs. 
4) I am a nerd. This list will prove it. 
5) I have read the whole Twilight series and The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Haters be warned... if you haven't read it I don't want to hear it. Don't judge a book by it's movie. We all know how that goes. I also have read the story from Edward's POV and makes the story truly remarkable. 
6) I collect music. I listen to just about everything. I download anything I can get my hands on and my iPod is my best friend. My myspace page is nothing but bands that I have found over the years. 
7) Pandora Internet radio is my best friend. See #6
8) I am a gamer. Not a very good one if you ask me. But I love it. I love the group I play with and I honestly wish I had more time to play with them. 
9) As much as I complain about school I truly love it. I miss school when I am not in it. 
10) I have this uncanny ability to pass my classes with out really trying (Except Calc II which is currently kicking my ass) 
11) I love snorkeling. 
12) I have more pets than I know what to do with (2 dogs, 1 cat, 4 fish) 
13) If I had it my way I would still live in Kentucky. 
14) I love UFC wrestling. (Kimbo Slice has no business being in the UFC and will never see the octagon) 
15) I watch more sports than most women - football (college and pro), MMA, Nascar, Hockey and local baseball. 
16) I love trashy reality shows. VH1 rocks! Though I have cut back recently it was getting dangerous to my health. 
17) I was recently diagnosed with bipolar. Slowly getting back to being me. 
18) I have a degree in baking and pastry arts yet don't bake. 
19) I am an organ donor. 
20) I need the people in my life probably more than they know. I have a horrible time telling people how much the mean to me. And Often they are the ones that get hurt the most. 

More to come... 

 Sorry I have been missing for so long. To say life has sucked would be an understatement. But I know others who are going through much worse, so please accept my apologies as I rant. I need to rant.

I need a lot of things. I need love. I need encouragement. I need positive re-enforcement. I need to find me again, trust me she has been lost for way too long. 

I am smack dab in the middle of a financial crisis that is eating me and my family alive. I am fighting with my hubby on a daily basis. My medications for my bipolar won't be leveled out for weeks and I feeling like I am drowning at work. I am actually debating on taking a week off work just to breathe and we organize myself. I am just not here anymore.

The few things that make me happy are the few things I just don't have time for anymore. Or at least it doesn't feel like I have time for. Yes - I will still be gaming on the 22nd. Everyone can take a deep sigh of relief on that one. But my newer hobbies that have really released a huge amount of stress from me are the ones I have had to step back from. 

I have taken to coloring in a Sesame Street coloring book to relieve stress. My hubby thinks I am half cracked, if he only knew. 

I just wish I could say that when all is said and done and the little one is off to bed that I had a loving caring husband who is there for me and makes me feel like we can get through anything. I don't. I have slept alone the last two night. I have nothing but blame for the current situation. And I am the one left sitting there talking him down. Which I have no problem doing if it was reciprocated. 

So right now it all sucks. I feel like I am drowning and I just want someone to care, give me a hug, and tell me we will work it out. Is that too much to ask for? 

< pulls out her soap box and dusts it off >

If you have no clue what I am talking about check it out before reading further... http://www.usatoday.com/news/military/2009-07-09-smoking_N.htm

So let me get this straight .... first of all we don't help the soliders who come back from fighting wars we have no right fighting hlaf the time so now we are going to take away the one thing that helps the cope with the things that they see while they fight for our country? That makes sense. Oh, and the reason why we are going to do it is because it looks bad, not because it is a health hazard.

Plus, doing such will take away the "Seventy percent of profits from tobacco sales — $88 million in 2005 —(that) pays for recreation and family support programs, the study stays." So lets take away the funding that pays for the few programs we do offer. That makes perfect sense too. Why don't we take that 88 Million dollars and put it into PTSD therapy instead of smoking cessation. 

This week just seems like the never ending week. I feel like Atryu in The Neverending Story. You know the seen "the darkness" is ascending upon him. Him and his white stead are trudging through the mud river trying to make it through. You knoe the horse just isn't going to make it. That's me, except I don't have a horse and the darkness is a cloud of all the issues encompassing my life right now. 

( Roller Coaster Ride Anyone? )

 Well folks my life has gotten quite interesting very quickly. We have everything from multiple partners to bipolar diagnosis to food poisioning to couples counceling to movies and more. And as Paul Harvey would say... 

( Here's the rest of the story )

 The Five Words Meme
"Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you."

These were given to me by klytus 

marriage - Something I thought I needed so badly in my life. I married my best friend. Forgetting that I also needed a lover. I thought I was suppose to go with the catholic belief of marriage now I find that my beliefs are much different. I think marriage should be a joinging of hearts, minds, body and souls. It can be between two, three, four or more people. Why do we have to narrow it down to one. But above all a marriage should be supportive and loving. You should be free to be yourself. 

kid - The love of my life. The one thing that makes me happy even when he drive me nuts. He is comeplete wonder and awe. He is the one thing on this earth that proves to me I did something right. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. He is amazing. 

school - Torture. Wasted time and energy just to have a piece of paper that says I know what I am doing. 3 years left to go and I don't feel like I am any closer to achieving my goals. I don't feel that I have learned anything that I had to know. Right now it is the one thing that takes away from everything else that I would rather be doing and there isn't a day that doesn't go by with out me thinking... "Maybe I could just stay a secretary" but I want a better life for my family so I fight the battle. 

kidneys - The one good thing I do in my life. My job helps save lives every day. Not that I have a huge part in it, but because of my department people who need a kidney transplant get one. That is kind of cool. I wasn't an organ donor till I started working in here. We save lives. Kick ass! 

happy - Yes please. I would kill to be happy. Truly happy for one whole day. God, what would that feel like? After years upon years of depression or manic depression it is amazing I haven't killed myself. Thank god for some pretty wonderful people in my life recently who have pulled me out of the gutter. Dusted me off and reminded me that I am worth something. Happiness is still a fleeting emotion but it is somewhat attainable. 

Now it is your turn... if you would like to do the same just make a request. 

I have been through some rough times as of late. Between discussions of divorce, open relationships, and every thing inbetween I have been through the ringer, met an amazing man, some pretty cool friends, and had my whole world turned upside down. Where has this left me? With a husband who is finally realizing that I need to be happy, a boyfriend who is really amazing, and the husband acknowledging the boyfriend as such. All in all pretty darn surprising for me.  

So finally there is some light at the end of the tunnel and things don't seem quite so hopeless. 

What can I say? Last night I was bad. I skipped class with only a handfull of classes left. I took off for Bowling Green and met up with someone I had never met before. Do I regret it? Not one little bit. Why? Because I just met possibly one of the greatest guys I have come across in a long time.  (Kly... don't worry you are still in my list of great guys but that long of a road trip is not possible right now. As soon as it is, you know I will be on my way) 

Anyway, back to the story at hand. I went out on a limb. I am not really good at meeting new people. I know that may sound strange but I usually go through a really awkward phase where I don't know where to say or how to act. Heck, it took me three weeks to  get use to my new gaming group and quite frankly they are cool guys but it took me time to find my niche. So I admit that I was worried about how last night would go, but something told me I needed to just go for it. 

The results, 3 hours of really awesome conversation. No awkward silences. It truly felt like I had known this person forever. Time went entirely way to face. Drinks turned to dinner and the next thing we knew it was almost 9pm and neither one of us wanted ot end the evening. How freaking cool is that? 

So last night earns my official "KICK ASS BATMAN" stamp of approval and here is to many more nights like the last. 

It has been one heck of a weekend. My head is still spinning and I really don't feel like working. Alas, here I am. Shhh... don't tell my boss.

The Break Down:

Friday:
Day 3 of a stress headache had settled into my neck and shoulders and left me curled up in the fetal position in bed. So no work for me. I got to spend the day in bed yelling at my dogs to quit barking at the guys working on our garage. I love my dogs but they will bark at a leaf blowing by.  Note: barking dogs and headaches do not go together. They are lucky to be alive. But Friday night turned out better I finally got out of the house and did some errand running with the family. It is so nice to have groceries in the house again. 

Saturday: 
It was off to Cleveland to game. <does a little happy dance> I didn't realize how much I missed it until I started doing it again. This time it was Geist which is actually pretty darn cool. I game with a pretty cool group of guys who don't make me feel like the odd ball girl in the room. With it being game 3 with this group I feel like I am finally settled in and there is no wierdness of hanging out with people I don't know that well. YOU GUYS ROCK! 

Sunday: 
Back to Toledo and a mad cleaning of the house and yard. innocent_man  and ladycoyote made it down for a picnic with the kidlings. The kids wore each other out, finally got to play some euchre and the dogs got to work out some of their nervous energy. Plus, there was strawberry shortcake. I think fun was had by all and for the first time in weeks my kidling slept through the night.  It was good to spend some time with other adults. I know that sounds silly, but we don't get to do that often. 

Along with a pretty good weekend I have met some really awesome people who at the very least have become pretty good friends in a fairly short amount of time. I have to thank Live Journal for introducing me to klytus.    

Short Story:

My husband and I have been having issues with his side of the family ever since we got married. If you ask me it started before the wedding and about the time that his family realized I wasn't just a friend. After most of them ignoring me for the past three years (plus some), not talking civily to my husband for the last year and having not seen our son in almost the last year they want to come back into our lives. Could it be with some apologies and a white flag, nope, it is all of our fault and they are perfect.

Long Story: 

I realized long ago that I was never gonna be all chummy with my husbands family. They treat him like crap, treat me worse, and the only time they have shown us that they cared was when I was pregnant. I have been to therapy for dealing with his mother alone, she is the queen of passive agressive behavior. I dealt with the fact that the made me miserable when planning the wedding, I smile and nodded when the baby shower was more of the same. They expect my husband to bend over backwards for them and do nothing in return. His sister has seen our nephew a total of 5 times. Most of which was because he was in the hospital and she had to make appearances. His mother hasn't seen him in almost a year. She left the day after his first birthday to go spend time with our other grand children in CA and has been back since Feb. and hasn't seen him yet. So I have earned the right to be pissed.

We haven't talked to most of his family since the first of Feb. and now all of a sudden they want to come visit. They want to have a big old family BBQ. They have picked the date. And they called up last night to tell us they wanted to get together. We informed them that they should have thought of that months ago. They are now claiming that thye have called numerous times and that we haven't called back. Neither my husband or I has any calls from them. We are pulling our cell records to verify. His mother basically said that she has been trying to contact us and has been trying to see us but we haven't let her.

Why can't they just say "You know what, we have had our issues and we are sorry we have been out of touch for so long, can we let it all go and start over?"

Back to music making it's mark...

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety
- But it's Better if You Do - Panic at the Disco

Discuss...